HELD BY HIS HANDS
You and I are on a great climb. The wall is high, and the stakes are higher.
You took your first step the day you confessed Christ as the Son of God. He gave you his harness—the Holy Spirit. In your hands he placed a rope—his Word.
Your first steps were confident and strong, but with the journey came weariness, and with the height came fear. You lost your footing. You lost your focus. You lost your grip, and you fell. For a moment, which seemed like forever, you tumbled wildly. Out of control. Out of self-control. Disoriented. Dislodged. Falling.
But then the rope tightened, and the tumble ceased. You hung in the harness and found it to be strong. You grasped the rope and found it to be true. You looked at your guide and found Jesus securing your soul. With a sheepish confession, you smiled at him and he smiled at you, and the journey resumed.
Now you are wiser. You have learned to go slowly. You are careful. You are cautious, but you are also confident. You trust the rope. You rely on the harness. And though you can’t see your guide, you know him. You know he is strong. You know he is able to keep you from falling.And you know you are only a few more steps from the top. So whatever you do, don’t quit. Though your falls are great, his strength is greater. You will make it. You will see the summit. You will stand at the top.
And when you get there, the first thing you’ll do is join with all the others who have made the climb and sing this verse:
“To him who is able to keep you from falling and to present you before his glorious presence without fault and with great joy—to the only God our Savior be glory, majesty, power and authority, through Jesus Christ our Lord, before all ages, now and forevermore! Amen” (Jude 24 NIV).
Saturday, January 28, 2006
Love - The Defination
Extracted from Celina's Blog- something to ponder through, what love can do....
When you think of your past love, you may view it as a failure.
but when you find a new love, you view the past as a teacher.
in the game of love, it doesnt really matter who won or who lost.
whats important is you know when to hold on & when to let go.
you know you really love someone when you want him or her to be happy,
even if their happiness means that youre not part of it.
Everything happens for the best.
if the person you love doesnt love you back,
dont be afraid to love someone else again,
for youll never know unless you give it a try.
youll never love the person you love unless you risk for love.
love strives in hurting.
if you dont get hurt, you dont learn how to love.
love doesnt hurt you all the time.
though hurting is still there to test you, to help you grow.
Dont find love, let love find you.
thats why its called falling in love because you dont force yourself to
fall. you just fall....
you cannot finish a book without closing its chapters.
if you want to go on, then you have to leave the past as you turn the pages.
Love is not destroyed by a single failure or won by a single caress.
it is a lifetime venture in which we are always learning, discovering & growing.
we lose someone we love only when we are destined to find someone else
who can love us even more than we can love ourselves.
on falling out of love, take sometime to heal & then get back on the horse.
but dont ever make the same mistake of riding the same one that threw you the first time.
To love is to risk rejections,
to live is to risk dying,
to hope is to risk failure.
but risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is risking nothing.
to reach for another is to risk involvement, to expose your feelings is to expose true self.
TO LOVE IS TO RISK NOT TO BE LOVED IN RETURN.
How to define LOVE:
Fall but do not stumble, be constant but not too persistent,
Share & never be unfair, understand & not to demand,
Hurt but never keep the pain.
Love is like a knife.
it can stab the heart or it carve wonderful images into the soul that always last for a lifetime.
love is supposed to be the most wonderful feeling.
it should inspire you & give you joy & strength.
but sometimes the things that give you joy can also hurt you in the end.
loving people means giving them the freedom who they choose to be & where they choose to be with.
for all the heartaches & the tears, for gloomy days & fruitless years,
you should give thanks, for you know, that there were the things that helped you grow.
Loving someone means giving him the freedom to find his way,
whether it leads towards you or away from you.
love is a painful risk to take but the risk must be taken no matter how scary or painful,
for only then youll experience the fullness of humanity & that is love.
Only love can hurt your heart, fill you with desire & tear you apart.
only love can make you cry & only love knows why.
When you decide to love, allow it to grow.
When you promise to love, refuse to let it die.
Friday, January 27, 2006
Heart of Flesh and Spirit
27th January 2006,
It's 1.46pm. Just now had branch with Marcus at OFA (Old Free-school Association). Had nice chat with him regarding family matter. It's CNY mood. People has been discussing on what's the planning for CNY and how much bonus they get from the consultants. Patient workload is alright, not so many patients. Myself had been slowing down- quite bored, don't know what to do. Wanna go back- later 4.30pm got to make a point to leave hospital sharp- if there's no issue. Or else will be expected jam.
For the past few nites have been going out, just don't wanna stay home. What a change. Waiting for sis to come back- then holidays- normal- Chinese New Year has always be quiet one. May it be a time of rest, to refreshed, to catch up with old friends, and family reunion. Talking about family- just now brother called. He want to borrow RM1000 from me. What should I be feeling? It's not the matter of money. He has not been contributing to family expenses and I did not say anything about it, and now he wanted to borrow from me, Chinese New Year- borrow from his sister. How should I be feeling? Well- think positive, not to sway to the other side. Maybe he needed help. Well, what can I do? Myself also has been very thrifty, with the expenses and car maintenance, mum's insurans payment, housing maintenance and tax. Talking about money- it's somehow a sensitive issue. I can break a family ties if not handle well. One thing I see, mum's heart was hurt- when brother don't really contribute to expenses. Who wants to calculate with him, never, we never talk about money. But brother does. Sad case.
What Marcus said quite true- probably I just do my part tht's all. Have done my duty and love to care and take care of mum. Marcus said- girls still alright, coz when they find someone, the hubby can contribute to the finance. But guys a bit difficult, coz their burden will be tight. True in one sense, wrong in another. That's why girl usually choose for more secure man, a man that they can trust, a man that's stable. Well planned and stable. That is more of worldly point of view. What about Christian's view? A Godly man, man of faith. yes, it's much desired. Once- yet now I'm not sure anymore. What's the criteria I placed for my future life partner? Thinking about it make me wonder am I really prepared for any relationship? Church saying- when you're completely passionate with God then the relationship will come. Don't chase after it, not rush. I'm not rushing. Yeah, discussion last night with Roland and Benji quite interesting. They had placed high value on Spiritual women, women faith, women after God's own heart. I used to think that if a man love God very much then will be alright, everything will able to fit in nicely. Now I actually re-think on the truth. It's just so subjective. Therefore I should placed it aside. Let me heart be singled- is it singled for Him? Have not come to that part- the matter now is for me to discover my position in Him again. The rest come secondary. Yet, it's much struggles, when you're alone, lonely..with the age catching up- women at such age sort of pressing red button. I can't say that I won't feel pressured, yet I can only wait and pray. Ps. Mei said one thing- to be vulnerable. To continue to feel and to love even though it's a risk and it's vulnerable. To be vulnerable,yet I asked God for wisdom- to be focused on His timing. The road seems unclear, yet I wanna trust Him, I have to trust Him- the Giver of all good things.
Prayer meet last week was good- Kasturi asked what's the prayer need? For myself I wanna pray for a heart of flesh and not a heart of stone (Ezekial 36- if I'm not mistaken) To put His Spirit in my heart- to have a heart of flesh and Spirit and not heart of stone. I need that transformation. That in my encounter woth others- in my relationship I will not placed and reason with my minds, or to expect or to label, yet to be myself- learning others strength and accepting others weakness. Help me Lord I prayed!
It's 1.46pm. Just now had branch with Marcus at OFA (Old Free-school Association). Had nice chat with him regarding family matter. It's CNY mood. People has been discussing on what's the planning for CNY and how much bonus they get from the consultants. Patient workload is alright, not so many patients. Myself had been slowing down- quite bored, don't know what to do. Wanna go back- later 4.30pm got to make a point to leave hospital sharp- if there's no issue. Or else will be expected jam.
For the past few nites have been going out, just don't wanna stay home. What a change. Waiting for sis to come back- then holidays- normal- Chinese New Year has always be quiet one. May it be a time of rest, to refreshed, to catch up with old friends, and family reunion. Talking about family- just now brother called. He want to borrow RM1000 from me. What should I be feeling? It's not the matter of money. He has not been contributing to family expenses and I did not say anything about it, and now he wanted to borrow from me, Chinese New Year- borrow from his sister. How should I be feeling? Well- think positive, not to sway to the other side. Maybe he needed help. Well, what can I do? Myself also has been very thrifty, with the expenses and car maintenance, mum's insurans payment, housing maintenance and tax. Talking about money- it's somehow a sensitive issue. I can break a family ties if not handle well. One thing I see, mum's heart was hurt- when brother don't really contribute to expenses. Who wants to calculate with him, never, we never talk about money. But brother does. Sad case.
What Marcus said quite true- probably I just do my part tht's all. Have done my duty and love to care and take care of mum. Marcus said- girls still alright, coz when they find someone, the hubby can contribute to the finance. But guys a bit difficult, coz their burden will be tight. True in one sense, wrong in another. That's why girl usually choose for more secure man, a man that they can trust, a man that's stable. Well planned and stable. That is more of worldly point of view. What about Christian's view? A Godly man, man of faith. yes, it's much desired. Once- yet now I'm not sure anymore. What's the criteria I placed for my future life partner? Thinking about it make me wonder am I really prepared for any relationship? Church saying- when you're completely passionate with God then the relationship will come. Don't chase after it, not rush. I'm not rushing. Yeah, discussion last night with Roland and Benji quite interesting. They had placed high value on Spiritual women, women faith, women after God's own heart. I used to think that if a man love God very much then will be alright, everything will able to fit in nicely. Now I actually re-think on the truth. It's just so subjective. Therefore I should placed it aside. Let me heart be singled- is it singled for Him? Have not come to that part- the matter now is for me to discover my position in Him again. The rest come secondary. Yet, it's much struggles, when you're alone, lonely..with the age catching up- women at such age sort of pressing red button. I can't say that I won't feel pressured, yet I can only wait and pray. Ps. Mei said one thing- to be vulnerable. To continue to feel and to love even though it's a risk and it's vulnerable. To be vulnerable,yet I asked God for wisdom- to be focused on His timing. The road seems unclear, yet I wanna trust Him, I have to trust Him- the Giver of all good things.
Prayer meet last week was good- Kasturi asked what's the prayer need? For myself I wanna pray for a heart of flesh and not a heart of stone (Ezekial 36- if I'm not mistaken) To put His Spirit in my heart- to have a heart of flesh and Spirit and not heart of stone. I need that transformation. That in my encounter woth others- in my relationship I will not placed and reason with my minds, or to expect or to label, yet to be myself- learning others strength and accepting others weakness. Help me Lord I prayed!
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
Chinese New Year...simplicity
24th January 2006,
It's 5.56pm and I'm still in the office. has been a while did not write my blog, got to just sit and take time scribble something before I leave. Yeah, the title: Chinese New Year. This year will be a normal plain and simple Chinese New Year, my 2nd year celebrating in Penang. Celina will be coming back this Fri nite. Brother will be coming over Sunnyville for dinner as well. Mum will be really busy preparing, but it'll still be simple one.
Yesterday on-leave, had good time, helpig mum doing ribbon kuih and popiah kuih. Test my patience, realise am really really not patience- this take a lot time and details. Gee, then after tht went for lunch with mum, go banking then go hospital. Every week mum will go physio, and praise God it has been well. She's doing alright,..but recently got some problem with skin- keep itchy. Getting really worried at times, seeing her condition. Yet praying. Breakthrough in family- tht's wht Celina shared the other day. Probably this should be the focus- to pray as family. When's the last time we actually prayed as family? I remember once- during dad's sickness. Then another time when See Kheong still with Celina, we prayed for journey mercy for one another. Now...I really can't think about when is the last time all the Christians in our family holding hands and prayed. Once- yeah, recently on the phone I prayed over Celina on her struggles. That's good- prayer strengthen ties. Unites the hearts. That's where it keeps the family going despite of struggles and different opinions- despite the arguement and throwing tantrums sometimes. Above all else, the love of God still wth family- love and care. That makes family institution special.
Yeah, talking about tht, it should apply to Christian brothers and sisters in church. How we manage conflicts and how we handle situation in times of disagreement. How do we wanna edify one another, and lift ones up rather than pushing on down. How we wanna exalt others higher, look into ones needs and not only own needs. That's the main purpose of church- and cells. Am reviewing my role in cell. Things has change, probably my heart has change. A simple childlike Shirley- now more of the cautious, a "don't mess with me" sort of Shirley. How could such drastic change? That's the discussion with Pr. sam the other day. Praise God- He understands well. He said- don't over worry as if you're having split personality. I told Pr. how I felt- the change in me, that need to dealt with before I can continue in serving or any Ministry. Pr word of exhortation is encouraging. He said- He still can see the soft part in me, even tho' how I tried to be 'mean' yet. there's still that care and softness in me that never change. What a nice word. Is it? Really? He asked me not to stop loving, because it's my nature to love. I will not forget what Pr. said. Yeah, not to give up doing good, continue to do good, never give up, so that in due season you shall see the fruits if you don't give up (Gal). Hmm.. the word of God is true, and straight. Tht's no cornering and no hiding. It's the truth and it can build or it can destroy. How am I taking the Word of God? And how am I living in the WOG.
Year of Covenant. I wonder what the Lord installed for me in such year. So wht's the choice? To live own way, or trust it to God, and follow Him- obedience to His Words, and drawing close to Him in every circumtances. How am I putting Him real in my life? A challange for breakthrough.
It's 5.56pm and I'm still in the office. has been a while did not write my blog, got to just sit and take time scribble something before I leave. Yeah, the title: Chinese New Year. This year will be a normal plain and simple Chinese New Year, my 2nd year celebrating in Penang. Celina will be coming back this Fri nite. Brother will be coming over Sunnyville for dinner as well. Mum will be really busy preparing, but it'll still be simple one.
Yesterday on-leave, had good time, helpig mum doing ribbon kuih and popiah kuih. Test my patience, realise am really really not patience- this take a lot time and details. Gee, then after tht went for lunch with mum, go banking then go hospital. Every week mum will go physio, and praise God it has been well. She's doing alright,..but recently got some problem with skin- keep itchy. Getting really worried at times, seeing her condition. Yet praying. Breakthrough in family- tht's wht Celina shared the other day. Probably this should be the focus- to pray as family. When's the last time we actually prayed as family? I remember once- during dad's sickness. Then another time when See Kheong still with Celina, we prayed for journey mercy for one another. Now...I really can't think about when is the last time all the Christians in our family holding hands and prayed. Once- yeah, recently on the phone I prayed over Celina on her struggles. That's good- prayer strengthen ties. Unites the hearts. That's where it keeps the family going despite of struggles and different opinions- despite the arguement and throwing tantrums sometimes. Above all else, the love of God still wth family- love and care. That makes family institution special.
Yeah, talking about tht, it should apply to Christian brothers and sisters in church. How we manage conflicts and how we handle situation in times of disagreement. How do we wanna edify one another, and lift ones up rather than pushing on down. How we wanna exalt others higher, look into ones needs and not only own needs. That's the main purpose of church- and cells. Am reviewing my role in cell. Things has change, probably my heart has change. A simple childlike Shirley- now more of the cautious, a "don't mess with me" sort of Shirley. How could such drastic change? That's the discussion with Pr. sam the other day. Praise God- He understands well. He said- don't over worry as if you're having split personality. I told Pr. how I felt- the change in me, that need to dealt with before I can continue in serving or any Ministry. Pr word of exhortation is encouraging. He said- He still can see the soft part in me, even tho' how I tried to be 'mean' yet. there's still that care and softness in me that never change. What a nice word. Is it? Really? He asked me not to stop loving, because it's my nature to love. I will not forget what Pr. said. Yeah, not to give up doing good, continue to do good, never give up, so that in due season you shall see the fruits if you don't give up (Gal). Hmm.. the word of God is true, and straight. Tht's no cornering and no hiding. It's the truth and it can build or it can destroy. How am I taking the Word of God? And how am I living in the WOG.
Year of Covenant. I wonder what the Lord installed for me in such year. So wht's the choice? To live own way, or trust it to God, and follow Him- obedience to His Words, and drawing close to Him in every circumtances. How am I putting Him real in my life? A challange for breakthrough.
Thursday, January 19, 2006
Forgiveness, start from the heart
19th January 2006,
8.57am Thurs morning. Last night we had prayer meeting. Pr. Mei shared about forgiveness, how true it is. I can identify with the sharing. It's not easy to forgive, forgive and forget- will it be possible for that to happen? I do remember sharing in EPCC website about Forgive and Forget, but right now when you faced it, then you can feel how hard is the message, how difficult to do it- yet it's still possible not with our human flesh but with God's grace and Spirit. It is so true that when we choose to cling on to the unforgiveness, it will break the bridge between us and God- not allowing what God has install in our lives to flow thru'. It's so true that when we choose to remember the hurts and bitterness, it's like tie string with the person, both in the same boat, both in prison- couldn't be freed from all the guilt, bitterness and hurts. It's so true. I choose to release the unforgiveness- if there's any of it, the Lord search my heart... search it deep in. Any conflicts, any disagreements, any hurts, any words, any lies instill by the enemy- all this shall be laid open and exposed. Allowing forgiveness to flow, allowing God's grace and mercy to flow in me.
8.57am Thurs morning. Last night we had prayer meeting. Pr. Mei shared about forgiveness, how true it is. I can identify with the sharing. It's not easy to forgive, forgive and forget- will it be possible for that to happen? I do remember sharing in EPCC website about Forgive and Forget, but right now when you faced it, then you can feel how hard is the message, how difficult to do it- yet it's still possible not with our human flesh but with God's grace and Spirit. It is so true that when we choose to cling on to the unforgiveness, it will break the bridge between us and God- not allowing what God has install in our lives to flow thru'. It's so true that when we choose to remember the hurts and bitterness, it's like tie string with the person, both in the same boat, both in prison- couldn't be freed from all the guilt, bitterness and hurts. It's so true. I choose to release the unforgiveness- if there's any of it, the Lord search my heart... search it deep in. Any conflicts, any disagreements, any hurts, any words, any lies instill by the enemy- all this shall be laid open and exposed. Allowing forgiveness to flow, allowing God's grace and mercy to flow in me.
Saturday, January 14, 2006
Laying Down....
14th January 2006,
8.56am, Saturday morning in the office. Just finish generating PO. Gonna go for breakfast later. This morning prayer is good- Pr. shared on the Hosea 6: obedience better than sacrifice, and offerings. A new year 2006- Year of Covenant- Loving People Loving Man. How do we wanna go from here? How do we wanna allow God to mess up with our plans and agenda. Looking through the plans for 2006 I'm a little fearful- a lot of activities, how will the church members take it? Really pray for wisdom- to disseminate the information and purpose accordingly. I'm worried- yet, why should I, it's God's church, His temple, His people. Gonna trust Him on that, and do my part. How have I been doing my part?
Yesterday was great. Actually quite a lot people- Eugeen and Winnie, Lee Koh and Jasmine, Benji, Felix, Me and Mum. Actually we can start a Cell, but I'm just not prepared. But praise God things going good. We had round table dinner- spagetthi, KFC, mashed potatoes, sausages, red bean 'tong sui'. Char Bee hoon. Overall, we had good time of makaning. Then we proceed for Joyce Meyer's sermon. Not sure what's the title of the sermon- but I think "Divine Interuption" should be the one. I'm blessed by the sermon. It's just down to earth, have a high standard- God's standard of Love. It just speak forth on a few scenario that we're commonly faced- how's the testimony to the world. How to be a 'worldly' Christian. How to be a blessing- with of love life. A life-check on my love life. Got to stop here- gonna go for breakfast. Pray that the blog of questions will not just be a questions but a challenge for me to persue on life- to eternity, to His purpose.
8.56am, Saturday morning in the office. Just finish generating PO. Gonna go for breakfast later. This morning prayer is good- Pr. shared on the Hosea 6: obedience better than sacrifice, and offerings. A new year 2006- Year of Covenant- Loving People Loving Man. How do we wanna go from here? How do we wanna allow God to mess up with our plans and agenda. Looking through the plans for 2006 I'm a little fearful- a lot of activities, how will the church members take it? Really pray for wisdom- to disseminate the information and purpose accordingly. I'm worried- yet, why should I, it's God's church, His temple, His people. Gonna trust Him on that, and do my part. How have I been doing my part?
Yesterday was great. Actually quite a lot people- Eugeen and Winnie, Lee Koh and Jasmine, Benji, Felix, Me and Mum. Actually we can start a Cell, but I'm just not prepared. But praise God things going good. We had round table dinner- spagetthi, KFC, mashed potatoes, sausages, red bean 'tong sui'. Char Bee hoon. Overall, we had good time of makaning. Then we proceed for Joyce Meyer's sermon. Not sure what's the title of the sermon- but I think "Divine Interuption" should be the one. I'm blessed by the sermon. It's just down to earth, have a high standard- God's standard of Love. It just speak forth on a few scenario that we're commonly faced- how's the testimony to the world. How to be a 'worldly' Christian. How to be a blessing- with of love life. A life-check on my love life. Got to stop here- gonna go for breakfast. Pray that the blog of questions will not just be a questions but a challenge for me to persue on life- to eternity, to His purpose.
Thursday, January 12, 2006
A Broken Spirit and a Contrite Heart
12th January 2006,
8.45am, morning. Last night has been a released. I burst out in the midst of Prayer Meeting. Lee Lian shared on certain prayer items- Loving God, Loving People, about our theme for this year 2006- indeed God is doing something in regards to the theme. Very difficult to love people, with our own strength, with our own flesh. Personally my heart has been harden to love. We gather in group of 4. Pr. Mei prayed on love. The word strike my heart so strongly, it's my turn to pray. I prayed: Oh Lord teach us to love others- not with our strength, but channeling from above. But first of all, help us to love You "First". Without love- it's all meaningless, whtever we profess to do in Your Name...how can we serve You when we don't love.
Ro 12: 9 said
9 Let love be without hypocrisy. Abhor what is evil. Cling to what is good. 10 Be kindly affectionate to one another with brotherly love, in honor giving preference to one another; 11 not lagging in diligence, fervent in spirit, serving the Lord; 12 rejoicing in hope, patient in tribulation, continuing steadfastly in prayer; 13 distributing to the needs of the saints, given to hospitality. (NKJV)
I can't contained the tears but just break down. I wonder why I can so easily cry. How have I love God when I'm in conflict with His people, with my own fella-bro and sister in Christ. I realise deep in my heart there're so much of hurts and unforgiveness that really really need to dealth with. Or else- the result I'll be distant from others, I'll end up keeping myself close in order not to be hurt. Checking my heart, I asked the Lord to restore the live in my heart.
Pr. Mei spend time with me- her advice is true. I got to slowly release, and it's okie to release. No problem with crying, but the crying should be the yeilding to the Lord, to Him, and not of going down the pit of depression. The bursting of the heart burden to be with Him, and that's it. Not to take it back again. I got to deal with the unforgiveness, and to confront in love, to speak the truth in love as the Bible said. Or esle I will distant. But how? Pray! Pray! Come to Him with broken Spirit and Contrite heart. Ask the Lord for a tender heart, heart of flesh to love again, to care again.
8.45am, morning. Last night has been a released. I burst out in the midst of Prayer Meeting. Lee Lian shared on certain prayer items- Loving God, Loving People, about our theme for this year 2006- indeed God is doing something in regards to the theme. Very difficult to love people, with our own strength, with our own flesh. Personally my heart has been harden to love. We gather in group of 4. Pr. Mei prayed on love. The word strike my heart so strongly, it's my turn to pray. I prayed: Oh Lord teach us to love others- not with our strength, but channeling from above. But first of all, help us to love You "First". Without love- it's all meaningless, whtever we profess to do in Your Name...how can we serve You when we don't love.
Ro 12: 9 said
9 Let love be without hypocrisy. Abhor what is evil. Cling to what is good. 10 Be kindly affectionate to one another with brotherly love, in honor giving preference to one another; 11 not lagging in diligence, fervent in spirit, serving the Lord; 12 rejoicing in hope, patient in tribulation, continuing steadfastly in prayer; 13 distributing to the needs of the saints, given to hospitality. (NKJV)
I can't contained the tears but just break down. I wonder why I can so easily cry. How have I love God when I'm in conflict with His people, with my own fella-bro and sister in Christ. I realise deep in my heart there're so much of hurts and unforgiveness that really really need to dealth with. Or else- the result I'll be distant from others, I'll end up keeping myself close in order not to be hurt. Checking my heart, I asked the Lord to restore the live in my heart.
Pr. Mei spend time with me- her advice is true. I got to slowly release, and it's okie to release. No problem with crying, but the crying should be the yeilding to the Lord, to Him, and not of going down the pit of depression. The bursting of the heart burden to be with Him, and that's it. Not to take it back again. I got to deal with the unforgiveness, and to confront in love, to speak the truth in love as the Bible said. Or esle I will distant. But how? Pray! Pray! Come to Him with broken Spirit and Contrite heart. Ask the Lord for a tender heart, heart of flesh to love again, to care again.
Oh Father, forgive me for the reaction, that's fleshly. You know my heart Lord, You know my sitting down and my rising up, You are familiar with all my ways. Even before any words from my mouth, You already knew it. Search my heart Lord- if there's any offensive ways in me, any wicked ways in me. Lead me in the way everlasting. Lead me Lord, lead me I pray!
Saturday, January 07, 2006
It's Hurts....How to heal the Wounds?
7th January 2006,
It's so hurting. It's like a deep sharp knive cut through my heart, not just cut through, but squeeze deep, rotating the knives deep within. Thought the wounds has healed, Has been 3 years, yet it's still bleeding, it's still so painful. Thought had been used to the pain, as if I've been slapped 100 times and left no more pain even to slap another few times. Thought I can't feel the pain anymore..thought it's going to be alright when not thinking about it, not facing it. Yet it's not true. The pain is so real....The Word is just so sharp- it's just so wrong, so untrue, so hurting.
It's morning. I fetched Angie to Sharon's house before go to work. Thought it will be great morning coz of the coming wedding. A lot things to prepare- yesterday Deco was up...today plan to take time off to go to wedding. Then it comes a mail from Kenneth- again, enough smses, thot without replying should be enough, yet he is just would let go. It's just so hurting with the mail, made me shed tears again? Why I cried? Don't need to cry- it has been so long- no need to be emotional about tht? Why you cry dear...??? He's just so sick, who can help? No one can help. I'm the victim again..tht is enough! 3 years plus, that's enough! The words is enough! How am I going to forgive? Lord, How to forgive? How to let the Word pass by me- and place it back to You. You who judge the acts. You know which is true which is not. You judge Your children. That's enough Lord! What are You teaching me here? My heart is just so broken- a friend? A friend? Can't describe it...can't contain it. It's just enough!
It's so hurting. It's like a deep sharp knive cut through my heart, not just cut through, but squeeze deep, rotating the knives deep within. Thought the wounds has healed, Has been 3 years, yet it's still bleeding, it's still so painful. Thought had been used to the pain, as if I've been slapped 100 times and left no more pain even to slap another few times. Thought I can't feel the pain anymore..thought it's going to be alright when not thinking about it, not facing it. Yet it's not true. The pain is so real....The Word is just so sharp- it's just so wrong, so untrue, so hurting.
It's morning. I fetched Angie to Sharon's house before go to work. Thought it will be great morning coz of the coming wedding. A lot things to prepare- yesterday Deco was up...today plan to take time off to go to wedding. Then it comes a mail from Kenneth- again, enough smses, thot without replying should be enough, yet he is just would let go. It's just so hurting with the mail, made me shed tears again? Why I cried? Don't need to cry- it has been so long- no need to be emotional about tht? Why you cry dear...??? He's just so sick, who can help? No one can help. I'm the victim again..tht is enough! 3 years plus, that's enough! The words is enough! How am I going to forgive? Lord, How to forgive? How to let the Word pass by me- and place it back to You. You who judge the acts. You know which is true which is not. You judge Your children. That's enough Lord! What are You teaching me here? My heart is just so broken- a friend? A friend? Can't describe it...can't contain it. It's just enough!
O Lord, I throw all this hurts to You- see, so much of it! So much! See all my tears- take it Lord, I don't wanna contain it. It's so tiring- I give it to You, set me free Lord, Set me free to love again, to smile again, to be openned again. Help me not to dwell in that circular motion of hurts. I let it go to You, guide my heart- give me a heart of wisdom. Amen!
Thursday, January 05, 2006
Serving- Attitude outflow from the Heart
5th january 2006,
4.36pm. It's time to be back home. Stay here to write blog. Just had IM with Matthew in regards to ushering. We will be having meeting later at 7pm. Quite upset of the discussion. Has some disagreement with him regarding certain issue.
Checking my heart- how is my reaction on serving? It should be out from a heart of joy- as thanksgiving unto the Lord- freely give as best as can. But sometimes if we don't perform up to the expectation then how should tht be? Am I being offended? What about expectation? How am I offer my serving to Him? As of needs, as of love, joy in giving, as of obligation? How should be my response? Where is the passion of serving and giving your best to Him without considering how others said?
Maybe the matter not lies on Matthew, it's my heart attitude got to change. Why am I being calculative nowadays, and being very much selective and not easily commiting to help if any needs. Is it that all this while I've been serving out of obligation and it gets tired? I got to move on- serving, loving, giving- all the matter of the attitude of the heart. Who is God to you Shirley? Who are you serving in this ushering? Why do you get irritate by the expectation of others when He is the Lord of all that you serve? Got to get this right. How are you working with people of different temperament and accepting the strength and weakness of the indididual and work in unity? How are you responding to critic and offense? Positively. Yes, look up, the focus, the goal- the purpose. Wanna do it? Servant heart, submissive, and knowing doing your best- having the right attitude, right heart- and your service will be acceptable to Him.
4.36pm. It's time to be back home. Stay here to write blog. Just had IM with Matthew in regards to ushering. We will be having meeting later at 7pm. Quite upset of the discussion. Has some disagreement with him regarding certain issue.
Checking my heart- how is my reaction on serving? It should be out from a heart of joy- as thanksgiving unto the Lord- freely give as best as can. But sometimes if we don't perform up to the expectation then how should tht be? Am I being offended? What about expectation? How am I offer my serving to Him? As of needs, as of love, joy in giving, as of obligation? How should be my response? Where is the passion of serving and giving your best to Him without considering how others said?
Maybe the matter not lies on Matthew, it's my heart attitude got to change. Why am I being calculative nowadays, and being very much selective and not easily commiting to help if any needs. Is it that all this while I've been serving out of obligation and it gets tired? I got to move on- serving, loving, giving- all the matter of the attitude of the heart. Who is God to you Shirley? Who are you serving in this ushering? Why do you get irritate by the expectation of others when He is the Lord of all that you serve? Got to get this right. How are you working with people of different temperament and accepting the strength and weakness of the indididual and work in unity? How are you responding to critic and offense? Positively. Yes, look up, the focus, the goal- the purpose. Wanna do it? Servant heart, submissive, and knowing doing your best- having the right attitude, right heart- and your service will be acceptable to Him.
Oh Lord! Forgive me if my service thus far has been limited, out from a heavy heart, out of obligation. From today on- guide my heart- a willingness to serve, serve with a servant heart- a joy, a submissive spirit. Teach me on servanthood, that it is You who First to come to serve, not to be served, but to serve others and give Your life as ransom for many. Teach me to die on my flesh, my pride- of wanting the receive, but to give, to give, with joy with gladness, as I give my heart to You dear Lord. Unite my heart in Your purpose, teach me regarding submission, unity and building others up rather than pulling others down. Give me a teachable Spirit I pray...a childlike faith as before. Willingness,...I seek You dear Lord. Help me to obey Your voice. Guide me Holy Spirit. In times when the heart rebel, guide me to be still and know that You are Lord- You are in control, You are the One and Only I serve, not man but You. Be a God pleaser and not man-pleaser...with this I pray, Amen!
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